Well, it’s been a while since my last post. Life gets in the way of everything I guess. I’ve had a lot on I suppose, which hopefully I will be able to write about in a few other posts assuming I have the time.
At the moment I feel the main thing I need to write about, the main thing I want to address is as always my feelings.
Lately I have felt numb and I’ve struggled to care really. So much tension and turmoil within my family recently, I feel that as much as I have joked about it in the past, I really am reaching breaking point.
I am loathed to see my mother, she never really seems that interested in seeing myself or Buttercup, she’s more interested in showing of Lentil to the world, and living her little fantasies. She’ll put lentil on the piano stool and let her slam her hands down on the keys and calls is a “piano lesson”. She’s not even one. She doesn’t understand what she’s doing more than “this makes noise when I hit it”. It’s not a lesson as such. Then this weekend Lentil will be staying with mum overnight. We “don’t [have to] worry about picking her up early on Sunday, I’ll take her to church”. I don’t really want her going to church. Again, she’s not even one, let her grow up and decide for herself if she wants to go or not. Stop trying to force your beliefs on her, it’s not fair.
Then there is dad. I haven’t spent Christmas Day with dad for 4 maybe 5 years now. He’s too interesting in spending it with Maggie and not interested at all in spending it with his own. Not even this year, both of his granchildrens first Christmasses (Lentil, and my neice Apple). In recent years I’ve found it hard to believe that he actually cares about his family, I mean, why would he? We’re the family he never wanted anyway. I know I need to talk to him about the way he makes me feel, Buttercup has been telling me this for months, almost years in fact. But there’s always been something that has stopped me, some little niggle of doubt that it’s the right thing for me to do.
I came closer to self harming than I have ever been in the last five years. The last time I actually did it was in the spring of 2014, and while I have resisted the urges, there have been times where those urges have been strong and difficult to resist. A few nights ago was one of those times, and I almost failed.
I was in the shower and bad an itch on my arm, so like anybody would I scratched it. But very quickly the scratching became less absent minded, harder, faster, more deliberate. I was digging my nails in, clenching my teeth in anger.
It didn’t take long to do. Thirty seconds and I came to my senses and stopped. What worries me is how much damage I could have done in a very short space of time had I continued. What worries me is how close I came to losing everything I have achieved in the last five years.
Maybe I do deserve all of this, maybe I don’t. But either way, something in me is going to snap unless I can get out of this, and it’s going to snap soon.
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.
What should I do?