The Male Time of the Month

I think that to say every man has his own time of the month would be fair. When you boil down the biology, the female menstrual cycle is caused by a change in hormones, as such, a man can have his own cycle based on the variances of his hormones.

I personally would say that I experience a cycle of usually a few days per month where my emotions run a little wilder than usual. I feel myself become sadder, and angier. More irritable, and tending to was to isolate myself from everyone around me.

Usually this passes after a day or two, a week at the most, and them I am ok again until some time in the next month.

Usually.

This last month has been different. I’ve been like this all month. I have been down, and angry all month. Any little thing could set me off without even a moment’s notice at any time this month.

Buttercup or Lentil will do something that I should at worst find maybe mildly annoying for only a second, but instead of letting the moment pass I find that the voice in my mind decides that the best way to process this mild irritant is to scream and mentally throw things around the house.

I have found myself wanting to drink, and smoke, and run away from everything. I found myself imagining running away, only for these thoughts to come crashing back down to earth with the counterargument “yeah, but you can’t afford to run away”. Then I’ll just scream and shout at myself for that instead.

Normally I can keep it under wraps. Most of the time I think I do it pretty well. Buttercup, as well as people at work, can tell if I’m generally having a bad day, but I don’t really think any of the can tell the true depths of my periodic insanity.

I think about death a lot. I think about how taking my own life would solve so many issues. I think about how my life insurance won’t pay out for another few months if i commit suicide. I have no plans to kill myself. I have no intention of doing so. This is not a suicide note. I just think about it a lot. I would say roughly akin to anywhere between a 4 and a 6 on the suicide scale depending on the day. Usually I’m about a 2.5.

Recently I started doing a lot more walking and running. At first I convinced myself it was to get the endorphins going, make myself feel better, get a little fitter, lose a bit of weight. But it’s not that at all.

Some people walk and run for fun. I don’t find it that fun.

Some people walk and run so then they can eat cake as a reward. I don’t.

Some people walk and run as a punishment because they’ve eaten cake. I don’t do that either.

I think what I do is walk and run to punish myself through physical exhaustion. Then I eat cake to punish myself further mentally knowing that I shouldn’t because its “ruining the hard work I’ve done exercising”.

And that’s exactly what I did. No breakfast, pizza for lunch, subway for dinner.

And again a second day in a row.

Yall got any more of that self loathing?

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