Thinking about my thinking

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm

Penny Reid – Beard in Mind

I don’t think of myself as a martyr, or a hero, or any kind of positive kind of good samaritan esque thing. I used to suffer from the delusion that if I do nice things for people who don’t deserve people doing nice things then somehow it’ll make my like easier.

For years I have played a weird kind of passive aggressive devil’s advocate to appease both sides of every coin. I won’t directly side with either side, I’ll just politely nod my head along with whatever bollocks they choose to spout off, and agreeing, not disagreeing, just listening while they rant.

Over a decade now since dad left mum. Over a decade they’ve both been spouting their shit slinging off at me.

Doesn’t matter. They’ll never know how much pain they fuelled. The years of self-loathing self-harm self-distruction fuelled by them.

Not caused, no. They didn’t cause it. They just fuelled it. I was already well established on a self distructive path a long time before they got involved.

I enjoyed doing damage to myself. I enjoyed taking liberties with my own life. I miss self harming. I miss smoking. I miss cutting. I miss getting so drunk whole weekends blended together in to one alcoholic blur.

I don’t want to die. I just… I don’t like being alone. I’m not good on my own… my head gets so loud and nothing syncs up. I start thinking about my thinking and getting lost in the details of nothing

Juice Ortiz – Sons of Anarchy

There’s something in the air this week. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something in the air. Everyone seems to be on one this week.

I’ve spent most of the day resisting the urge to scream the office down. I’ve been OK when I have my headphones in, but it’s almost like they’re a plug and as soon as they’re out the urges come back.

I smoked today. Twice. First time in a while. Its just been one of those days. Smoke or do someone more destructive. So I picked the better option. Even Clayden said I should just get it all out of my system. She’s right.

Tomorrow’s Friday. End of the week. Might even be Frostino Friday. Because nothing cheers you up like coffee and calories.

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